Tantrums and meltdowns

Something I feel we don’t talk enough about in society is how stressful the sound of crying is and how intense it is looking after a child whilst they are screaming. No one told me that once I became a parent I would get screamed at on a daily basis. I write this article as a mum of two girls, one of which is on the autistic spectrum. Understanding the difference between meltdowns and tantrums has been a parenting game changer, so i’m sharing here, in case useful to other caregivers on this crazy rollercoaster journey.

Dysregulation, overwhelm and prefrontal cortex shutdown

Tantrums and meltdowns occur when a child becomes overwhelmed with emotion. In the most simplest turns, the child becomes dysregulated, switching into the sympathetic nervous system state known commonly as the ‘fight/flight’ response. In this state the pre-frontal cortex shuts down, which impairs ability to reason or make decisions. The prefrontal cortex is often referred to as the ‘executive centre’ or ‘cognitive control’ and is positioned behind our forehead. It is the slowest area of the brain to develop and matures primarily during adolescence. It is generally considered to be fully developed around the age of 25. Toddlers go through a pruning and blooming process of the prefrontal cortex as new synapse pathways are generated at an incredible rate, which makes them prone to tantrums.

Tantrums & meltdowns – what is the difference?

Understanding the difference between tantrums and meltdowns can help us as caregivers navigate a suitable response to our child. A tantrum is generally considered as an emotional outburst to get something, such as a toy or attention, or to avoid something (i.e. being put into a car seat). However, that doesn’t mean a tantrum is calculated, it can often be completely reactionary, such as toddler having a tantrum because they’ve been held back from running into a busy road. As tantrums are often goal-oriented, it means a child can be brought round through either distraction, direct attention, a reward or stated consequence.

A meltdown is an intense reaction to feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated. Meltdowns are not driven by a specific goal and therefore can be difficult to stop or control. Individuals on the autistic spectrum can commonly experience meltdowns due enhanced sensitivity to internal and external stimuli and difficulties with sensory processing.

(Photo of me with the girls)

I have two children who are 3 and 7, the oldest child is on the pathway for an autistic assessment. I regularly see the difference between tantrums and meltdowns in their behaviours. The youngest child will occasionally have a tantrum if for instance, she’s not given her preferred coloured plate, or she’s asked to get out the shower before she’s ready. The tantrum is often a loud outburst of emotion but is often resolved after a few minutes and she quickly resets to being content.

This compares to my older child who has meltdowns fairly frequently and they last anything between 20-60 mins or longer. The cause of a meltdown is often not what it appears to be about, but rather the last straw under which there is a whole hay bale of anxiety. If she’s spent a prolonged period masking, holding in big emotions or because she’s worrying about something that has happened or might happen, it gets exploded out. A meltdown is never quick or easy to resolve, it always takes time to unpick, and I notice the tension remains in my daughter’s body for a long time afterwards. It use to be minutes, now its hours, even days. We therefore use a variety of techniques to help my daughter come down from a meltdown and reset.

An approach to dealing with meltdowns and tantrums - Regulate, relate, reason

I really like the framework of "Regulate, Relate, Reason", which can be used to respond to a child having a tantrum or meltdown. The response begins with regulating the nervous system, recognising that this is most important before proceeding with meaningful connection (relating) and then cognitive processing (reasoning). This is because dysregulation either shuts down or impairs cognitive reasoning which occurs in the prefrontal cortex.

(me giving Cass a hug)

To give an example of using this approach during a tantrum, today my three-year-old was getting upset because she couldn’t do the zip up on her boot. I walked towards her making an “ooooo” sound, dropped to her level and gave her a gentle rub on the outside of her upper arms. This signalled to her that she had my attention, which helped her calm and regulate. I then related to the cause of the tantrum by saying “zips can be tricky; would you like some help?” to which she nodded. When I went to pull up the zip, I could see it was getting stuck as it was obstructed by a Velcro tab. I explained this so she could understand the reason, then let her try as she was then able to pull the zip up by herself.

Using this framework during a meltdown can be more complex as the regulating phase can take longer and understanding the cause can also take some time to unpick. We have tried and tested many regulation techniques with my eldest daughter and feel I’m stilling learning and figuring out what works and when. It changes all the time.

The meltdown itself can involve shouting, screaming, throwing things, lashing out and involuntary body movements. Some of the techniques we use include having a hug, patting, or rubbing the body, elevating the feet, swinging upside down, or making a low hum noise.  We also use changing the environment (i.e. going outside or inside, putting ear defenders on) playing sounds (i.e audio book, favourite song, or a sound healing instrument) and sensory approaches such as fidget toys or running cold water over hands or feet. It can take a long time to get my daughter regulated enough for her to hear my voice and efforts to relate. The reasoning phase comes a lot later, sometimes hours or even a day or two later when she’s calm enough to talk about it.

Co-regulation – the importance of grounding and self-care

Whilst I find the ‘Regulate, Relate, Reason’ a super approach, I find it works best when I am grounded. When a child starts crying or screaming, it can be really triggering, especially if we have just woken up or we can’t see the cause, or if we are tired and feeling depleted or dysregulated ourselves. It is therefore helpful to remember to ground before responding. This can help us to respond rather than mirror the behaviour.  We’ve all been there; a child starts shouting and we shout back telling them to stop shouting. Yeah! it happens when we get dysregulated by the shouting. However, if we ground and remember we are separate to our child, we can observe, analyse, and understand the tantrum or meltdown using our prefrontal cortex.

Secondly, co-regulating takes energy and can deplete our inner resources. Every parent/caregiver knows if we have slept our patience and ability to cope are so much greater. Whereas when we’re sleep deprived, we are can be more easily triggered. I also notice if I have practiced yoga in the morning and my eldest daughter has a meltdown, I generally stay calm, I don’t feel triggered, and after the incident I don’t feel as drained. I also notice that responding to tantrums and meltdowns regularly does deplete my resources and I need to top back up through self-care. If I am depleted, then I find it much more challenging to co-regulate and come up with creative methods to cope with tantrums and meltdowns as it requires my prefrontal cortex.

Take home advice for caregivers

If you are caregiver for a child (or adult) who regularly experiences tantrums and meltdowns, make sure you are giving yourself adequate self-care so you are able to ground, regulate, relate and reason whilst not getting depleted yourself.